What to do if you’re frustrated with the people you are "sheltered in place" with?

Let’s be real here. It’s been 3-4 weeks we’ve been sheltered in place. Many of us have not spent this much time with our family in a while and maybe they can be a bit much at times! Add to it, you may see your friends social media posts all happy, homeschooling their kids, doing some creative family fun thing, or saying some nice philosophical gratefulness post. That’s not the case for you, you’re struggling or your family is struggling…comparing with others just makes you more discouraged or angry.

What do you do if you’re frustrated with your family members and need to be at home with them all day?

Be Clear with what you want

-when you are feeling upset, ask yourself what is it that you actually want? For example if you are getting another demanding email from work after hours, your kid is asking you for food, and your significant other is watching TV, you may realize all of a sudden that you are frustrated at everybody. Check in with yourself, what do you need or want? Is it some alone time? Is it some help from your significant other? Is it people treating you with respect and honoring your boundaries? Is it needing some quality time with your partner?

How to effectively ask for what you want

When we are upset, it is easy for a conversation to turn into an argument. That’s not what you want right? There is a formula of talking I’ll share with you. This formula gets people on the same page as you rather than fight you. Before talking to them, remember to be clear on what you want. Choose one thing you want to discuss for starters, most people can handle one thing at a time. You will be much more successful to stick with the one thing rather than going off tangents (like all the zillion things they’ve done wrong). Remember to ask for what you want, not what you don’t want. Not “you never do anything around here”. Instead “Would you please load up the dishwasher. Thank you”.

Do not accuse them

It is human nature that when people feel like they did something wrong, or not good enough that they start to be on the defensive. Then instead of your partner working with you, they feel attacked and the conversation turns into an argument.

Here’s an example of how NOT to have a conversation:

“You’re so negative all the time. All I hear from you is complaining. You’re too worried about everything. And then you watch too much TV and are in such a bad mood it’s not fun to be around you anymore.”

Here’s how to approach this:

“I feel frustrated when you complain a lot. When we dated you made such cute jokes and I really liked that about you. Your jokes made me feel happy. Would you make some jokes more often here and help us lighten the mood?”

The Formula

1.     “I feel ____________ when you_______________”

2.     Complement them. Think of a time they did what you want, and reinforce how great that was and how good it made you feel (a positive feeling).

3.     Ask directly for what you want (not what you don’t want).

When you say “I feel______when you do_________” you are expressing your feelings. That cannot be denied. It’s your feelings. It is different than accusing them “You did_______it’s so________” which is not as well received.

When you complement someone, they feel good. They feel they did something right. Most people will be happy they are able to please you and want to do it more. They feel successful and are much more willing to accommodate you. When you accuse them, self-preservation kicks in, defensiveness kicks in, and an argument often starts. So remind them of a time they did what you wanted and compliment them. I understand if they haven’t in a long time, this may be very difficult to say and may be a jab to your ego to complement them. Do your best, it will give you a much better outcome.

Then ask for what you want. Ask for one thing at a time is usually most helpful. Save another thing for a different conversation. Make it short and sweet.

Have Compassion

During these unprecedented times our usual stability in our world is shifted. Most humans thrive on what is safe. So many of us may not feel safe now. The unknown scares most people. Your deep-down fears may be brought up now. Your family members subconscious issues may also be brought up, but theirs can be different than yours. See if you can have compassion for where they are coming from, love them and at the same time get your needs met.

It’s natural and you’re not alone to perhaps feel more anger, fear, or other emotions during this time. It may be a gift that these emotions have come up for you to process and release certain patterns that don’t serve you. During this time especially, you may be picking up on other people’s emotions (there’s global emotional instability), so it’s likely some emotions you are feeling may not even be yours. If you need some help please reach out. I’ve been doing emotional balance sessions with patients and they have felt much more themselves again, and like a weight lifted off.

Blessings and love to you. Be safe and healthy.